Recently my doctor told me that I would need surgery on my lady parts.  This is a fairly routine operation for a simply cyst removal.  The doctor did express that anything removed would be sent for biopsy to verify that there was nothing cancerous.  Initially he stated that there should be a removal of all female organs  “just to be sure.”  I turned down this offer, as I am politically opposed to hysterectomies. I feel that if someone went to medical school for 12 years and has been in a female related specialty practice for more than 10 years, one should be able to come up with a solution that is better than “let’s take it all out.”  Thinking I might need those lady parts throughout the rest of my life, I declined the generous offer to make me a eunuch.  Instead, I settled for a partial parts removal.  This involved tubes and valves and knobs and whatnot, but not my uterus. I didn’t want my uterus removed for two reasons.  First of all, I’m still using it and, secondly, it contains the Thing Finder.

You may not know it by that name, but there is universal consensus that all women have a Thing Finder.  Not everyone is aware that it’s located in the uterus but where else could it be if only women have it?  Whenever someone in your family is looking for something, they typically ask the woman of the house, “Hey, where’s my .  .  .(inset name of the thing they are looking for)”  It is fully expected that the woman will know where the thing is.  Near as I can figure, this can only be accomplished by use of a Thing Finder.   Popular examples of using a Thing Finder include asking your wife where your car keys are,  asking your mother where laundry detergent is kept, asking your sister where a broom is to sweep up something that you spilled, or asking your grandmother where the silver ware or dishes are  when you visit her for dinner and  she asks you to help set the table.  People doing the asking know that all these women have a Thing Finder.   Because only women have them, it is logically located in the uterus.  All women have them but women who have had children have the advanced  version.

Personally, I have model #A09214500, installed when I was born.  The advanced version was updated in 1982 after the birth of my oldest child.   It’s important to know your model  number, in case you have to order parts or if you have some of it removed, so they can substitute the correct piece based on your particular manufacturers model.

Almost immediately after childbirth, people began asking me to find things for them.  There seemed to be a signal, like the Bat Phone in the sky, that I had upgraded to the advanced version of a Thing Finder by virtue of having a ushered a human being through the birth canal.  After that , it was expected that  I would be able to find things like lost hairbrushes, the location of items in refrigerators, items lost between car seats.  They don’t have to think about where things are, because they are in the company of someone who has a Thing Finder.  Possession of a Thing Finder can give the impression of near invincibility, all because of the ability to find “things.”

I believe that men have Thing Finders, but I don’t really know where they’re a range as the models issued to women and certainly are not activated with child birth.  Not everyone who has a Thing Finder wants to use it for others, which is fine.  Some days I can’t seem to shut mine off.  No matter, it’s a pretty handy gadget.  I’m looking forward to the rest of my lifetime of being able to find things.