The title of this week’s tome is not a reference to the television show from the late 1970’s.  Nor is it a reference to the Church of What’s Happenin’ Now.  (Readers are encouraged to check listings from their local church of the month club program for more information, if they wish.)  The title refers to the activity that is going on for all of us, which is downloading more apps.  We’re getting everything from groceries, except toilet paper, to pharmacy prescriptions and pet supplies  via the app related to that product.  Most of the time it works rather smoothly.  While being sheltered in place,  I get my groceries delivered  within a four or five days of ordering them.  It works great.  Cat litter and cat food arrive all boxed up at my doorstep, neatly packaged in one box.  The strength of Hercules is needed to get it from the front door of my apartment building up the stairs, to my apartment door.  Thankfully, though, it’s here.  The cats will not starve or drive me out of the apartment if their litter isn’t changed.

Increased use of electronics at home meant ordering a few supplies that couldn’t be conveniently obtained from the grocery store, the local pharmacy or Pets ‘R’ Us. They were Double AA batteries and printer ink.  Sometime back our society converted to the binary system of one Double AA battery or two Double AA batteries for every device possible.   I can’t go anywhere and wander around looking for these items, so I chose a big box store that was certain to have these things in stock.  Who else but Best Buy.  If they don’t have them in stock when it’s ordered, the store will be getting more soon. Especially the types of common items that I needed.

Wanting to be cautious about not making an extra trip when we’re still sheltering in place, I made sure I had the correct order number for the printer ink.  The TV remote was in need of new Double AA batteries and I confirmed that by opening up the back to make sure that’s what was needed.  Got it.  Two Double AA batteries would restore ease of use in my quarantine-induced binge watching.  Pulled out my smart phone, downloaded the app and scrolled through my choices.  Each item was easily located, added to the cart and paid for with a credit card.  Not the Best Buy Credit card, which would have given me ‘rewards’, just a regular credit card that gets me the merchandise I need.  Ordered, paid for, done.  They will send me an email when my order is ready and I can drive to the store.  I ordered things on Sunday evening and anticipated picking them up on Monday.  This assumption was confirmed with the promised email.

What didn’t work out so well were the parking and pick up instructions.  Before I could tell them I was coming, I had to read through a page of disclaimers.  That’s hard to do on those little phones.  Then I had to tell them I was on my way.  Information had to be entered, and then another email would be sent, containing the code I would have to use.  Instructions followed about how and where to park my car.  I tried reading them but it was confusing.  Upon arriving in the parking lot, I just pulled in to one of the spots available.  I think Best Buy wanted the number of the spot, but that wasn’t clear.  I clicked a button on the app to say I had arrived and waited for the identification code that I would have to provide to the sales person.

It was like buying State secrets.   Erroneously I believed that the app for orders from Best Buy would be easier to navigate and get through pick up.  They are, after all, a successful electronics company.  They must have some idea about how to move things from order to fulfillment in a logical fashion without having to constantly go back to an app that gives vast pages of  directions for the next step in the puzzle.  Guess not.  I left the parking lot feeling dazed and confused.  Somehow I had obtained accurate instructions.  Then I blurted out the correct recipient code at the right time to get the products I ordered placed in the back of my SUV.   I’m really not clear how it all happened because I wasn’t sure what the instructions were saying.  I would have checked further, but I don’t even think there’s an app for that.

The current Shelter-in-Place order has been difficult for everyone around the country and the world.  Personally, I believe that it is harder for Minnesotans than anyone else. We might even be more special that Californians in this regard.  The reason is this:  In Minnesota, we shelter in place for about eight months out of the year.  We think of Ground Hog’s Day as just another reason to make a hot dish casserole, because we know that spring is a long way off.  Minnesotan’s are a faithful lot and believe in their hearts that spring really will arrive and it always does.  Sometimes in May, sometimes in June.  Don’t worry, there hasn’t ever been snow in July.  At least in my lifetime.

So it is that we wait for the opportunity to go outdoors, walk around our thousands of lakes, bike along our hundreds of miles of bike paths, sit at outdoor coffee shops without winter garb on and enjoy the sunshine and balmy temperatures.  Anything about 40F degrees is considered balmy.  Today as I was completing my allotted outdoor walk, I happened past three individuals chatting on the sidewalk.  Appropriately six feet apart, they were all dressed in sandals accompanied by ankle pants, leggings and the like.  No socks, just sandals.  It was 45F degrees with a stiff wind, making it feel a little cooler.  Sandals are part of a uniform of sort for the heartiest of Minnesotans.  Worn with shorts and an enormous puffer coat, the outfit is considered haute couture.  Often we are so desperate for warmth, that we run to the mailbox or take out the garbage in slippers and bathrobes that brush freshly fallen snow.

Given this longing to be outdoors after a long winter’s nap, the shelter-in-place order feels like the unkindest cut of all.  Our governor prudently decided that our citizens should shelter-in-place until the middle of May.  How can this be?  After all these months (it hasn’t been as high as 70F degrees since September) we need sun, warmth, sidewalks unfettered by snow mounds.  I can only take so many Vitamin D tabs.   In the winter, there are times when going outdoors means that the expedition could end in death.  We have exposed skin warnings, insulated insulation pants, shirts, gloves and hats.  Thus Minnesotans opt for life indoors for extended periods of time.   It is the wisest course of action.  Now that spring really is here, with its longer, sunny days and warmer temps that we knew would arrive, we are prohibited from spending time in the great outdoors lest we contract, or spread, a virus that could be as deadly as the worst winter temperatures.  We are used to staying inside and we are good at it.  It shows in our lower rates of contracting the disease and our lower fatalities, all of which is still sad.

In this time of pandemic, my part of the bargain is to stay indoors as much as possible.  I’m in a high risk group due to health issues I highlighted a few articles ago.  So I stay in, make masks, order groceries so as not to come in contact with possible sources of the virus, binge watch the same things others do and I stay in touch by phone.  I appreciate that others are doing the same.  It is the wisest course of action.  It will help contain, and eventually stop the spread of this terrible virus.  Hopefully in time for me to go get coffee dressed in my puffer coat, shorts and sandals.

Stay home and stay safe everyone.

 

The Smart Aleck Press prides itself on bringing up to the minute expose’s on really important news events. This column is no exception. Once again we have arrived at the Easter holiday. This is a Christian holiday, wherein consuming large quantities of every relatives’ homemade goodness is in order. This is not to be confused with the Jewish holiday of Passover, where people gather in relative’s homes to consumer large quantities of their families’ homemade goodness. I believe the holidays are fundamentally different because of the types of food that are served. And because this year we are all celebrating with observance of social distancing, we are all celebrating in very much the same fashion. At home, with small numbers of close family, consuming the aforementioned bounty sanctioned by generations past.
No matter which holiday you are observing, we feel that it is your right to know that certain foods are served at various family gatherings, buffets, and brunches. Thinking back, you will recall that there is also a plethora of chocolate animals abounding in most retail outlets. If not chocolate, there are copious quantities of sugar covered marshmallow critters. Looking at the candies in the stores, there is a large representation of baby farm animals. Baby ducks, baby bunnies, baby chicks, baby lambs and of courses eggs in every color imaginable. Nothing but cute; nothing but chocolate splendor. However there is one animal that is under represented throughout the pageantry.
That’s because it’s all a lie. They would have you believe that all this chocolate bounty, along with colored, hard boiled eggs are delivered in a basket by some philanthropic rabbit. Not true.
Think about the scientific rationale here. April flowers bring May flowers. Along with that comes puddles, mud and general messiness. No matter the generosity of any long-eared mammal with soft fur and a cute nose, they don’t like to be messy. Consider the animal that truly does enjoy being messy. It’s the pig. Their fondness for mud bound activities is legendary. They would spend any amount of time in the aftermath of inclement weather. So we submit to you that in reality it is not an Easter Bunny delivering cavity prone goods. It’s the Easter Pig. This is proven definitively by the fact that ham is predominantly served on Easter Sunday. Happy Easter everyone.