The Smart Aleck Press prides itself on bringing up to the minute expose’s on really important news events. This column is no exception. Once again we have arrived at the Easter holiday. This is a Christian holiday, wherein consuming large quantities of every relatives’ homemade goodness is in order. This is not to be confused with the Jewish holiday of Passover, where people gather in relative’s homes to consumer large quantities of their families’ homemade goodness. I believe the holidays are fundamentally different because of the types of food that are served. And because this year we are all celebrating with observance of social distancing, we are all celebrating in very much the same fashion. At home, with small numbers of close family, consuming the aforementioned bounty sanctioned by generations past.
No matter which holiday you are observing, we feel that it is your right to know that certain foods are served at various family gatherings, buffets, and brunches. Thinking back, you will recall that there is also a plethora of chocolate animals abounding in most retail outlets. If not chocolate, there are copious quantities of sugar covered marshmallow critters. Looking at the candies in the stores, there is a large representation of baby farm animals. Baby ducks, baby bunnies, baby chicks, baby lambs and of courses eggs in every color imaginable. Nothing but cute; nothing but chocolate splendor. However there is one animal that is under represented throughout the pageantry.
That’s because it’s all a lie. They would have you believe that all this chocolate bounty, along with colored, hard boiled eggs are delivered in a basket by some philanthropic rabbit. Not true.
Think about the scientific rationale here. April flowers bring May flowers. Along with that comes puddles, mud and general messiness. No matter the generosity of any long-eared mammal with soft fur and a cute nose, they don’t like to be messy. Consider the animal that truly does enjoy being messy. It’s the pig. Their fondness for mud bound activities is legendary. They would spend any amount of time in the aftermath of inclement weather. So we submit to you that in reality it is not an Easter Bunny delivering cavity prone goods. It’s the Easter Pig. This is proven definitively by the fact that ham is predominantly served on Easter Sunday. Happy Easter everyone.