My kids won’t call me. They won’t pick up a phone and dial or press seven numbers so I can hear their voices and know they are still alive. An actual phone call would allow me to verify that it’s really them. The voices of my children are distinct. I have always enjoyed hearing them. But they won’t call me.

I have a friend who won’t call me either. She is determined never to use a phone for actual vocal conversation. I leave voice mail messages for her. She then emails. Or she sends me a text. So do my kids. They condense into a few words what would better be conveyed with a simple phone call. But none of these people will do it.

I receive heartfelt text messages like: Sorry couldn’t come over when you were laying on floor bleeding mom. Was Busy. Or: Thought we were meeting at 4:30. Be there soon. (A review of previous texts shows we had agreed to 4:00 pm. I have it IN A TEXT!) How about this: Starting my new job. So far, so good. (What new job?).   Or this one: This new intern is driving me nuts :)! (Emoticons apparently convey what the sender is really feeling or add emphasis that would have been clearer in a conversation. Not likely to happen. )

While it does tend to be one-sided, I do call them. I do leave messages. When there is an absolute need to hear from them, I text. I know how and can use abbreviations with the best of them. Like this: Gr8 2 c u 4 lunch 2day. Or this:  W8 till u see my new lawnmower.  Or this:  Hap-e 2 get 2gthr when u have time.  My son finally told me to stop texting like a 17-year old Valley girl. He’s not even old enough to know what those are but he does know how they would text.  This one always works: R u coming over 4 supper? Laundry? Cash donation from parental unit? Any mention of cash to the children gets an immediate response. Don’t worry, I have polite children, they always make a show of refusal before taking it. Same with my friend: Oh, you don’t have to buy drinks/lunch/happy hour. But she does take it.

Recently there’s been a slight shift in communication. Almost everyone has upgraded to smarter phones, as they are referred to. You can talk to people, although not anyone I know.  You can text, surf the net, check your email, take photos.  There are apps for everything. Both my son and my friend have started using this new thing on their phones: You can talk into your text app. That way the person on the receiving end can hear what you said instead of getting a typed text. Is this amazing or what?!? Apparently phones are now configured so that you can talk into them and people can hear what is being said. So amazing.  Alexander Graham Bell would be astounded.  The technology doesn’t work between incompatible phones but I have high hopes of hearing the voices of people I know in the near future as a way of communicating with one another. I just won’t refer to it as a phone call. There’s an app for that.

Yet another study has documented the benefits of drinking coffee. Most recently, it was discovered that drinking coffee before working out enhances the results of your workout. Previously known was coffee’s ability to keep us alert. Now it is being said that coffee fights against diabetes, improves the skin and the ever popular: it contains anti-oxidants. As coffee consumption increases and the warmth of el Nino looms this winter, I wonder if the Midwest will succumb to an entirely different culture. Coffee drinking is increasing, warmer weather will occur. Trips to coffee shops are bound to increase. Would the Midwest would become sort of like the Great Northwest where coffee, and rain abound. Would we become similar to the state of Washington. Parts of that grand state boast a coffee culture like no other.

If we were, for example, like the Emerald City, there would be changes to wardrobe options, typically those that go from tres chic to Seattle grunge.   Most of us would agree that a beret is a pretty good look for nearly everyone. Paired with a khaki rain coat, it’s a very nice statement. Others would find Doc Martens, jeans and a flannel shirt to be an ideal ensemble. Remember, they tie their flannel shirts around the waist in the (unlikely) event of an outbreak of sunshine. If the Midwest experiences warmth and rain like Seattle, would there be an evidence of a vast array of umbrellas and a huge increase in the incidence of individualized portable coffee mugs.

Entertainment venues would surely undergo transformation as well. Things like poetry slams, bongos (yes, actual bongos), dim fluorescent lighting and small, intimate coffee venues would be more commonplace. Establishments like Minneapolis’ Wilde Roast Café or Uncommon Grounds coffee bars would be de rigueur. As a barista I would be in such high demand that coffee mugs with my photo on it would be seen everywhere. In addition to more readily available coffee service, there would likely be numerous lush green plants. These will be encouraged by all the rain and mildly chilly weather that may be our immediate future. I believe this will prompt a change in apparel choices that ward off the chill and an increase in indoor activities while it’s raining. Yes, it looks like we could possibly turn into the Seattle of the mid-West. Cool temperatures, lots of precipitation, abundant foliage, bugs, and critters of every kind. That includes the critters that are looking for “donations” outside the coffee shops. Yes, there will be coffee shops. At least two on every corner and everyone will flock to them with their computers. Dare we call them computer geeks? Silver lining: with all those extra computer geeks, maybe they could keep my Wi-fi from going down. Get an umbrella.

Warning: actual bongos below – play at your own risk!

I used to like my neighbors until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

There is such a thing as heaven on earth. I have been there. It’s in a most unlikely location, Joplin, Missouri. You would not think that heaven could be gotten to from the interstate but it’s true. In fact, heaven is so popular, it has two separate exits. Not everyone can handle all the goodness that heaven has to offer and some people don’t always recognize heaven the first time they see it. Thus the second exit. I was quite surprised to find heaven in Missouri. That’s because I had been escorted out of Missouri many years ago by some surly state patrol officers who took objection to me and some other rowdy hippies I was with. That’s another story for another day. While on vacation last week, we drove through Missouri to and from our vacation destination. This occasioned visiting heaven twice. Yes, twice! I walked up and down the aisles, looking at all that heaven has to offer. The first time I spent $16 and the second time, fearing poaching behavior by the husband unit, I spent $60. What is this heaven you ask. It’s the Russell Stover outlet store. Filled with all the good things that chocolate lovers know and need in life. Things like marshmallow eggs, dark and milk chocolate, for 24 cents. You read that right! There were bags of “seconds” on the pecan delights. Doesn’t matter to me if I rip open a package that says Russell Stover or Michigan University. I guess they must have over-ordered. I brought back boxes of chocolates, bags of candies, mounds of m&m like candies. There were also little boxes of four candies for $1. You can see how this easily got to a total of $76. The vacation mentality didn’t help either. Adding to this experience was the fact that they also had ICE CREAM! And fountain pop! And bathrooms! That really is heaven. A side note: Goats dance when they drink coffee.