Recently I have been doing quite a bit of traveling that has involved airline flights. Because I forgot to add my TSA number to my tickets, I had to stand in long lines and have the airport folks go through my things. This also involved a pat down by the TSA airport personnel. I didn’t mind this too much as I am a middle aged woman and no one else is really that interested in my body. I’ve been married long enough that my husband doesn’t notice as much as those airline folks. Such is life.

For the most part, the TSA people are fairly nice to me. After we exchange brief pleasantries, I head off for my flight and they continue their patting and checking and whatever else their job entails. I do have to say that I don’t mind going through all this but if I have to undergo a pat down, I’d like TSA to up their game a little.

The most recent pat down was from a very nice woman in Jacksonville, Florida. She was pleasant enough but it would be preferable if someone that looked like Jason Statham were doing her job. This would be a sure fire way to have most women become more enthusiastic about airline security. Or how about someone to pat you down that looks like Will Smith? He’s good looking AND amusing. There are other candidates for this job that could be named. However, I don’t really want someone who looks like Mick Jagger doing this. He’s a little craggy. How about if they get someone who looks like Russel Crowe, but before he gets too much larger.

Entering the checkpoint, I did specifically request that a good looking young man conduct the search of my person. My request was not granted. Some excuse about certain people doing certain jobs, etc. The attractive younger man at the checkpoint entrance was not offended by my request. He thanked me for the compliment and wished me a nice day. After the electronic scan, there was the subsequent pat down. As I said, this was conducted by that nice woman in Jacksonville. I told her that I had specifically requested that a good looking, young man complete this task. The only thing TSA officer suggested was that her swarthy looking co-worker could conduct another search. I refused on the grounds that I don’t want to be searched by anyone that is not as good looking as I am. As I said, I’m middle aged so there is wide latitude for the “good looking” criteria. The swarthy looking man didn’t really meet my criterion.

Airline security is important. I want government employees to be enthusiastic about keeping us all from being blown up by three ounces of hair conditioner. I am willing to do my part by being searched by the TSA folks. But let’s have some standards here. I’m sure my male counterparts would agree. When one’s limbs and private parts are being x-rayed, photographed or otherwise gone over, it would do something to ease the indignity if the scenery were improved.

My kids won’t call me. They won’t pick up a phone and dial or press seven numbers so I can hear their voices and know they are still alive. An actual phone call would allow me to verify that it’s really them. The voices of my children are distinct. I have always enjoyed hearing them. But they won’t call me.

I have a friend who won’t call me either. She is determined never to use a phone for actual vocal conversation. I leave voice mail messages for her. She then emails. Or she sends me a text. So do my kids. They condense into a few words what would better be conveyed with a simple phone call. But none of these people will do it.

I receive heartfelt text messages like: Sorry couldn’t come over when you were laying on floor bleeding mom. Was Busy. Or: Thought we were meeting at 4:30. Be there soon. (A review of previous texts shows we had agreed to 4:00 pm. I have it IN A TEXT!) How about this: Starting my new job. So far, so good. (What new job?).   Or this one: This new intern is driving me nuts :)! (Emoticons apparently convey what the sender is really feeling or add emphasis that would have been clearer in a conversation. Not likely to happen. )

While it does tend to be one-sided, I do call them. I do leave messages. When there is an absolute need to hear from them, I text. I know how and can use abbreviations with the best of them. Like this: Gr8 2 c u 4 lunch 2day. Or this:  W8 till u see my new lawnmower.  Or this:  Hap-e 2 get 2gthr when u have time.  My son finally told me to stop texting like a 17-year old Valley girl. He’s not even old enough to know what those are but he does know how they would text.  This one always works: R u coming over 4 supper? Laundry? Cash donation from parental unit? Any mention of cash to the children gets an immediate response. Don’t worry, I have polite children, they always make a show of refusal before taking it. Same with my friend: Oh, you don’t have to buy drinks/lunch/happy hour. But she does take it.

Recently there’s been a slight shift in communication. Almost everyone has upgraded to smarter phones, as they are referred to. You can talk to people, although not anyone I know.  You can text, surf the net, check your email, take photos.  There are apps for everything. Both my son and my friend have started using this new thing on their phones: You can talk into your text app. That way the person on the receiving end can hear what you said instead of getting a typed text. Is this amazing or what?!? Apparently phones are now configured so that you can talk into them and people can hear what is being said. So amazing.  Alexander Graham Bell would be astounded.  The technology doesn’t work between incompatible phones but I have high hopes of hearing the voices of people I know in the near future as a way of communicating with one another. I just won’t refer to it as a phone call. There’s an app for that.

Yet another study has documented the benefits of drinking coffee. Most recently, it was discovered that drinking coffee before working out enhances the results of your workout. Previously known was coffee’s ability to keep us alert. Now it is being said that coffee fights against diabetes, improves the skin and the ever popular: it contains anti-oxidants. As coffee consumption increases and the warmth of el Nino looms this winter, I wonder if the Midwest will succumb to an entirely different culture. Coffee drinking is increasing, warmer weather will occur. Trips to coffee shops are bound to increase. Would the Midwest would become sort of like the Great Northwest where coffee, and rain abound. Would we become similar to the state of Washington. Parts of that grand state boast a coffee culture like no other.

If we were, for example, like the Emerald City, there would be changes to wardrobe options, typically those that go from tres chic to Seattle grunge.   Most of us would agree that a beret is a pretty good look for nearly everyone. Paired with a khaki rain coat, it’s a very nice statement. Others would find Doc Martens, jeans and a flannel shirt to be an ideal ensemble. Remember, they tie their flannel shirts around the waist in the (unlikely) event of an outbreak of sunshine. If the Midwest experiences warmth and rain like Seattle, would there be an evidence of a vast array of umbrellas and a huge increase in the incidence of individualized portable coffee mugs.

Entertainment venues would surely undergo transformation as well. Things like poetry slams, bongos (yes, actual bongos), dim fluorescent lighting and small, intimate coffee venues would be more commonplace. Establishments like Minneapolis’ Wilde Roast Café or Uncommon Grounds coffee bars would be de rigueur. As a barista I would be in such high demand that coffee mugs with my photo on it would be seen everywhere. In addition to more readily available coffee service, there would likely be numerous lush green plants. These will be encouraged by all the rain and mildly chilly weather that may be our immediate future. I believe this will prompt a change in apparel choices that ward off the chill and an increase in indoor activities while it’s raining. Yes, it looks like we could possibly turn into the Seattle of the mid-West. Cool temperatures, lots of precipitation, abundant foliage, bugs, and critters of every kind. That includes the critters that are looking for “donations” outside the coffee shops. Yes, there will be coffee shops. At least two on every corner and everyone will flock to them with their computers. Dare we call them computer geeks? Silver lining: with all those extra computer geeks, maybe they could keep my Wi-fi from going down. Get an umbrella.

Warning: actual bongos below – play at your own risk!

I used to like my neighbors until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

There is such a thing as heaven on earth. I have been there. It’s in a most unlikely location, Joplin, Missouri. You would not think that heaven could be gotten to from the interstate but it’s true. In fact, heaven is so popular, it has two separate exits. Not everyone can handle all the goodness that heaven has to offer and some people don’t always recognize heaven the first time they see it. Thus the second exit. I was quite surprised to find heaven in Missouri. That’s because I had been escorted out of Missouri many years ago by some surly state patrol officers who took objection to me and some other rowdy hippies I was with. That’s another story for another day. While on vacation last week, we drove through Missouri to and from our vacation destination. This occasioned visiting heaven twice. Yes, twice! I walked up and down the aisles, looking at all that heaven has to offer. The first time I spent $16 and the second time, fearing poaching behavior by the husband unit, I spent $60. What is this heaven you ask. It’s the Russell Stover outlet store. Filled with all the good things that chocolate lovers know and need in life. Things like marshmallow eggs, dark and milk chocolate, for 24 cents. You read that right! There were bags of “seconds” on the pecan delights. Doesn’t matter to me if I rip open a package that says Russell Stover or Michigan University. I guess they must have over-ordered. I brought back boxes of chocolates, bags of candies, mounds of m&m like candies. There were also little boxes of four candies for $1. You can see how this easily got to a total of $76. The vacation mentality didn’t help either. Adding to this experience was the fact that they also had ICE CREAM! And fountain pop! And bathrooms! That really is heaven. A side note: Goats dance when they drink coffee.

During past years I have regaled many a reader with the accurate story of the Easter Pig and the specific reason we typically have ham on Easter Sunday. Our family celebrates this Christian holiday in a typical Midwestern fashion with friends and/or foes gathered around a large meal and yes, it’s typically ham. The reason for that is that my ham is a spectacular thing of beauty and no one breaks the cardinal rule of eating at our house. The rule is that if you don’t ask for seconds, you don’t get asked back.
This year was different. There was an Easter brunch available at one of the prominent jazz clubs in town, the Dakota. We gathered there to dine on their fine faire and it was scrumptious indeed. Servings were complete with music, appetizers, various entree’s and delectable desserts. Beverage containers were never empty and the service was par excellent! We enjoyed the meal with the children who still live nearby and it appeared that a good time was had by all.
Afterward, in the throes of a food coma, I felt a contentment seldom experienced by parents. It was not just the food but the fact that all of the children are now old enough and mature enough to get along with others. I noticed that at this point in time, everyone’s needs appeared to be met, nothing further was needed on my part. I reveled in the fact that there was NOT ONE MORE THING TO DO FOR ANYONE. No dishes to send home with leftovers (this is the Midwest, after all). No rides to be arranged for those who haven’t quite squared things with the motor vehicle department. No feathers to smooth over when not enough attention has been paid. No jokes at anyone’s expense. Cards and warm sentiments were exchanged without prompting. Everyone behaved and used their good table manners. This was truly a joyful holiday for a mother who has adult children and an adult husband.
Once back home, I sat in my chair and contemplated that nothing else needed doing, that all good things had happened and I was truly grateful for this gift from the universe. I did not plot or plan for this to happen at any other holiday. Sometimes mothers do that, to others and to themselves. This holiday, I was just content with the day. That makes for a Happy Easter.

As of March 2nd, I was coming to terms with the end of Downton Abbey. A little withdrawal, a little ice cream and life could go on. An installment of another addiction would help to ease the strain of giving up one of my addictions. Wednesday night would provide me with a fix for my television substance abuse. I thought “Empire” would go on for the rest of the season. Not so. The finale’ was on Wednesday and I’m still thinking about it. What will happen to Lucius? Is this karma for sending Cookie to jail for him? What will happen to Cookie while he’s away? I believe they really still love each other and will be together again. But before they do, there will be a few twists and turns. Like keeping the hostile takeover from Jamal or finding out what Andre did with Uncle Bucky’s body or getting the real answer to the question about why Hakeem decided to get with Anika. You know there’s more to it than what they showed us!
Seriously, I was quite beside myself about where and how to get the next hit. I was walking around barefoot humming to myself for entertainment. I can’t watch the same thing my husband watches because he’s way into “Outrageous Acts of Science.” That’s no more than a bunch of geeks figuring out the how and why of unrestrained testosterone. That stuff is funny but doesn’t have the same lure as evening soap opera, which I believe is for thinking adults like myself.
When all else fails, one just has to resort to channel surfing or pouring over the cable listings to see if there is something worthwhile to watch. Shopping for pressure cookers, spray washers, discounted jewelry, overpriced clothing or exercise equipment does not count as entertainment.
I know I’m gullible. I want to watch something with a story line that could be true with a stretch of the imagination. Okay, a BIG stretch of the imagination. I would believe something outrageous and talk about it with friends the next day. Feeling remorseful, a return to comfort foods like chips and ice cream was nearly at hand while going through the Thursday night listings. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that “Blacklist” was back on and I could get another fix at last.

Recent years have seen an increase in a wider variety of dietary choices ostensibly designed to improve overall health.  One such choice is a vegan diet.  Friends tell me this is not a strict form of being a vegetarian but more of a focus on micro-nutrients that are purported to be more compatible with various bodily systems, endocrine, immune, gastro-intestinal, etc. as well as a better ecological choice.  I don’t entirely understand it but in the spirit of equanimity, I accept it. To put it another way, a vegan diet is supposed to make one more at peace with the universe.

There appears to be a vegan “bleed” if you will.  That is, of course, physically impossible, as vegan-ism goes nowhere near meat or fish products of any kind.  What I’m talking about is the appearance of ever more vegan products that don’t seem quite related.  For instance, soap products that are labeled as vegan.  I don’t ingest soap in any form and recommend against it.  This leaves me unsure of any reason why facial scrubs, deodorant soaps and cosmetic bars would need to be vegan.  Shampoo is another vegan product I’ve seen and I’m not sure why.

Vegan leather is a term that is bandied about.  This left me puzzled until someone explained that it’s “pleather.”  You’re right, that’s plastic leather.  It really does look good and I have purchased this with full knowledge and acceptance of what I’m doing.  I don’t even try to play it off as real leather.  I’m too cheap.

The most puzzling aspect of the increased vegan presence are the vegan house cleaning products.  Does spray furniture polish need to be vegan?  Or disposable cleaning rags?  How do they get to be vegan in the first place?  Are room air fresheners really a vegan item?  If I use a regular mop but vegan cleaner, does that make my kitchen floor vegan?  I’m not sure that I read it correctly, but why does my vacuum cleaner need to be vegan?  It sucks air and dirt particles, has hoses, attachments and cords.  Being vegan doesn’t seem to make my vacuum seem more at peace with the universe, it’s just picking up the pieces of the universe.   Go green.

Keep in mind that speed kills. If you drive on Twin Cities freeways, you’ll live forever. ‘Nuff said.

While walking outdoors today I noticed that it’s Fall. It wasn’t because the temperature was 40 degrees or that I was wearing a wool jacket or even that it just plain felt cold. What I noticed were the sounds of fall. Right now all the foliage is a little drier than the lush greenery of summer. With the wind blowing, all the dried leaves, grasses and tree leaves brush against each other. They make a sound loud enough to keep typical urban noises from being heard. Things like planes, auto traffic and the ubiquitous end of season road construction.
I could hear the grasses scratch against each other. Tree leaves brush with a quiet scritching that makes one take notice. Fall is here and will keep rolling into the next season, which shall go un-named for the time being.
I realize this isn’t the typical snarky, smart ass drivel you all are used to, but it’s what was going on today, so I put it in the blog. I promise there will be more snarky next time. Meanwhile, get your coat out.

When in doubt, you shouldn’t wait, it’s always best to obfuscate. (Not to be  confused with ice skating)